Not sure if it something to do with moving into my more mature years, some people might say “old age” or whether it is all the work I have been doing on myself regarding letting go. What do I mean by letting go? The opposite of letting go, is to hold on, so let’s start with that question first – What things do we hold on to?
Old furniture, nick-nacks, inherited things, cracked or chipped crockery of some kind, which we never use to serve drinks in or food on for guests, why, because they are not good enough. Our favourite saucepan that now has no handle, clothes that don't fit any more and what’s more are unlikely to fit again, however hard we try! But thinking about negative and emotional experiences within relationships, what else do we hang on to? Grudges, emotional hurt caused through a relationship break up, hurtful conversations, employer representatives who treated you in a way that you felt was bad, wrong, rude, or even downright disgraceful and hurtful. We can all pull the skeletons out of the cupboard easily resurrecting the conversation, the person’s actions or lack of actions and what was said or not said, and more importantly what we would say to the person now, if given a second chance!
Where do all these emotions go? I was recently doing kinesiology on one of my clients and I asked them about relationship hurt, whether family, lover, or similar that might have happened to them. The person then explained that their relationship with a certain member of their family was not good and had been this way for several years already. When I explained the importance of letting go through forgiveness their answer was, “I thought I had dealt with that.” Burying deep emotional hurt or trauma is not about dealing with it, that is simply burying it – “Out of sight, out of mind.” In the meantime, the “Body keeps the score” as Bessel van Der Kolk MD would say, which is the title to one of his books.
What does this mean? As a kinesiologist and naturopath, my belief is that every dis-ease has an emotional foundation. It is simply about understanding which one. More often than not it is one of the five cardinal emotions – grief, anger/rage, guilt, sadness or shame and when these lodge into the body they usually show up in the symptoms you are presenting with – lungs are associated with grief, liver anger, heart deep sadness – literally a broken heart.
When an emotion becomes deep-seated it requires more work than if we had addressed it at the time. Certainly, physical and emotional trauma experienced at a young age can seldom be addressed at that time as the young mind does not understand what is right or wrong and only knows that they are being made to feel guilty or shame for not wanting to physically and or emotionally interact at the whim of a family member or close family friend and is the reason that those who have suffered such abuse need support and assistance over much longer periods that help the body finally complete processing in order to let go of anger, rage, guilt and so on.
What can you do to support the body and mind if you find yourself unable to process negative emotions appropriately?
- Develop an attitude of gratitude – be grateful for the small things in your day, for example the postman who delivers your parcel with a smile, a beautiful flower that appeared in your garden or window box, the laughter of a child, fluffy white clouds, the wind rustling through the trees and so on. Take a moment to give thanks for these daily miracles that bring joy.
- Forgive those that hurt you. Understand what they showed you about yourself and what you need to learn and then thank them for that, forgiving them of hurt they caused. Send them love and light and let them go on with their life, as you go on with yours feeling much lighter having released the weight.
- If you find it difficult to forgive the other person, take a blank sheet of paper and write down all the things that you feel from what their behaviour has caused, scrunch up the paper and then burn it ritualistically letting go of all those emotions by giving them back to the Universe.
- Be aware of ruminating conversations about what was said and what you should have said! Stop the conversation in your head by bringing your attention to the present moment. If that requires three deep in and our breaths do them in a way that you are completely focused to those breaths and on each out breath, letting go of the conversation and the associated emotions.
- Listen without commentary to others who are suffering emotionally in some way and who want to share it with you. Avoid getting sucked into the conversation which will inevitably end up with you making suggestions which are dismissed by the other person with a “Yes, but……..” or “That won’t work because……” I’m sure you have experienced such a conversation in your life when all you want to do is help and you end up with the monkey. Instead try just listening, show empathy and if needed ask the person questions that will lead them to finding their own solution.
- Channel negative emotions in a healthy way through exercise which requires you to completely focus on what you are doing and provides the reward of serotonin and dopamine, the feel-good hormones, helping to correctly balance the feelings you have versus the situation, later after reaching a balanced rational approach make a decision and plan to go forward.
- Try using verbal affirmations, such as “I will not longer carry anger/guilt/fear/shame …….because I trust in you/your plan for me.”
- Share with someone, a close friend, family member or colleague, without the expectation of them finding a solution.
- If you are unable to clear those unwanted items out of your house because of emotional attachment, get in a professional person to de-clutter your home. Be present to how expansive and free you feel when it has all been cleared and organised. Remember the saying a “Tidy house is a tidy mind.”
These suggestions do not alleviate the need for professional assistance if the emotion has already manifested on the physical level, but they do help going forward to process emotions more effectively avoiding denial of the hurt, grief, or anger and of burying the same.
References:
The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van Der Kolk MD
When the Body Says No – The Hidden Cost of Stress, Gabor Mate MD
Therapeutic Energy Kinesiology, Dr Adrian Brito-Babapulle
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